Joke of the day

Suzanne Jenkins · June 02, 2007, 11:19:55 PM

FIRST ONE IS FOR THE GUYS especially OceanCowboy

Men Strike Back !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand close r to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------- ------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------- -----------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake. *** So I need to get married then??**
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Suzanne Jenkins · June 02, 2007, 11:28:28 PM

>
> HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND
> A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
> beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
> been the talk of the town.
> People would
> say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
> The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
> long and happy marriage.
> The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
> America,"
> explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a
> trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
> when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
> looked down a t the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
>
> "We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once
> more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
> "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third
> time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
> horse dead.
>
> I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you
> shoot the poor animal like that Are you friggin crazy!? She looked at ME, and
> quietly said, "That's once."
>
> "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Suzanne Jenkins · June 02, 2007, 11:32:32 PM

> A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
> Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
>
> "Of course. What may I do for you?", he answerwed.
>
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
> mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs
> limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
> Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?", she asked.
>
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie",
> said the Priest.
>
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you", she stated.
>
> When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
>
> The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
>
> The good Father smiled and said; "From the top of my head down to my
> waist, I have nothing to declare."
>
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
> have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
>
> The Priest said; "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used
> on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
>
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please."

>

Suzanne Jenkins · June 05, 2007, 09:00:21 PM

A guy stuck his head in a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get
a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the
shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

urbanchick · June 05, 2007, 10:07:59 PM

The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios

*OLD VERSION*:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************************

*MODERN VERSION:*
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be very very careful how you vote.

urbanlibertarian · June 06, 2007, 06:29:23 PM

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: You don't. There's a clock on the stove.

Suzanne Jenkins · June 07, 2007, 08:46:31 AM

no comment.....just looking for just the right joke in response to yours.

This is going to be fun!

Suzanne Jenkins · June 08, 2007, 11:35:18 PM

Show Him the Light

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Suzanne Jenkins · June 08, 2007, 11:40:05 PM

America has problems;
the problem is NOT America!

Actual tech center call conversations $:-\$

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"

Customer: "It's on the door of your business."

Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"

Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)

"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Suzanne Jenkins · June 10, 2007, 10:36:25 AM

Quote from: urbanlibertarian on June 06, 2007, 06:29:23 PM
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: You don't. There's a clock on the stove.

Here's one for you urbanlibetarian

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" Says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything

gatorback · June 10, 2007, 10:52:20 AM

President Bush's aide wakes him up late one night.

"Mr. President, we've just received word that 2 Brazilian solders were shot last night."

The President says:

"My God that is bad news. I've got only one question. A Brazilian. Is that more or less then a million?"

urbanlibertarian · June 10, 2007, 10:22:25 PM

A man sits in the hospital at his wife's bedside as she succumbs to a terminal illness. "Darling?" she asks. "Do you think you'll remarry after I'm gone?" He replies "You know Dear the years I spent married to you have been the happiest of my life. I think I would have to try and recapture that happiness again." "That's good. I want you to be happy." she says. "Do you think you and your next wife will play golf together?" He answers "Dear, some of the greatest times of our marriage were the hours we spent on the links so, yes I think we will." Then she asks "Will you let her use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no." he says. "I could never do that." "But why not?" she asks. "I won't have any need of them." "No, Dear. I couldn't let her use your clubs." "But I don't understand." she says. "Why? Why?" He answers "Because she's left handed."

gatorback · August 16, 2007, 03:46:09 PM

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny?

Jason · August 16, 2007, 04:19:09 PM

Now that is a classic!!! I'm still laughing my butt off!!!

GideonGlib · August 16, 2007, 11:48:44 PM

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. Not other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a "friendly fire" missle and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either."