Confessions of a Former Apple Fan

[BridgeTroll]

This article made me smile... 

iCaramba! Enough Already!
Confessions of a Former Apple Fan
A Commentary by Hajo Schumacher

It happened again just recently. Yet another elderly member of Germany's parliament sauntered up, pulled out a neat leather case and whispered conspiratorially: "I've got one now, too."

The correct response to this would have been: "Yeah, so what?" But politeness demanded a feigned: "Great." People who purchase Apple products feel like they've joined some kind of elite club -- and they apparently want everybody to know about it.

The iPad has attained the social cachet once enjoyed by things like color TVs and inline skates. It's almost like you can hear its owners shouting triumphantly: "I'm hip! I'm in front! And I can afford it, too!"

More than half of the members of the Bundestag, Germany's parliament, can now be seen gliding their fingers over iPad touch screens. Of course, it's not about looking something up or even working. No, this moment, this brief time in which the briefcase is opened and the iPad is taken out is only about showing the rest of the world: I'm with it. I'm connected. Using an iPad looks more impressive on TV than flipping through ring binders.

It's the same with pulse-monitoring watches, red wine and handbags: It's not about functions, uses or taste. No, it's about showing off. Indeed, the iPad is the must-have, cool-kid item of the 21st century.

Though you can't even use Flash on them, some people touch every Apple gadget with an almost religious awe. Having one frees you of any digital inferiority complexes. Indeed, you soon won't be able to attend a seminar, sit in on a meeting or take a train ride without seeing some hot-shot open up his iPad case.

It's curious, too, especially when you consider the fact that you can't really write properly on an iPad, that it's not easy to make phone calls with it and that it requires you to sign up for an additional cell phone contract if you want to get Internet access while on the go.

Apple is Like Sushi

The economic victory parade of the iPad and iPhone is accompanied by a dreadful emotional letdown, a bit like with the latte macchiato before it. Something that was pleasingly different, that gave its supporters a certain feeling of hipness, has been sucked dry by its sheer ubiquity. What was once cool has now become the epitome of uncool. If everybody has something, it can no longer set you apart. The most valuable company in the world produces exactly what all the other most valuable companies in the world have produced: soulless junk. Apple is like sushi: What was once exclusive is now as common as a lower back tattoo.

Back in the day, when everything was better, the Macintosh enjoyed a reputation for being a well-designed tool for graphic designers. Apple was a protest against the evil empire embodied by Bill Gates. Its sleek devices were designed by people like Hartmut Esslinger of Frog Design, and inspired by Dieter Rams of Braun fame. They turned the brand into a statement. They combined functionality with a feeling of Californian liberalism.

Mac users basked in a feeling of belonging to a select group. Steve Jobs, the eternal hippie, was the chummy opposite of the hyper-ambitious nerd Bill Gates. People happily paid more for the products so that they could feel they were somehow on the right side. The high prices were always also a kind of donation. And it fitted perfectly that the Silicon Valley company was on the verge of going bankrupt in the 1990s.

An Obvious Master Plan

Apple's history of massive success first started with the iPod. Even skeptics had to concede that it took marketing genius to transform something as dirt-cheap as an MP3 player into a outrageously pricey luxury good. The iPod's rise was accompanied by that of iTunes. It was obviously part of a master plan that aimed to have customers only spend money in the hermetically sealed Mac world.

For Apple, value-creation cycles, restricting freedom of choice and gathering mountains of user data have all been part of the same thing for a long time. Sure, Google might have its tentacles all over the place. But Apple is worse. Without any democratic mandate, Apple officials determine what content will be made available via its App Store. Indeed, things that would be enough to trigger a major scandal at your average multinational don't seem to stick to Apple. There's hardly a single German publisher that wouldn't prostrate itself before Apple, because the lords of the apps are the only people who can grant access to the revenue sources of the future.

The first cracks in this love affair between Man and Mac came with the launch of the iPhone 4. As usual, the Mac-devoted media -- including yours truly -- took over the job of providing free marketing for the product. And, as with the launch of any new Apple product, that of the iPhone 4 was celebrated as a global spectacle. But one thing was ignored: The iPhone 4 is the first cell phone in ages that I have trouble making calls with. Half of my calls are dropped.

Communicating gets particularly bizarre when two people try to talk to each other using iPhones. Using carrier pigeons would be faster. Steve Jobs explains that it isn't the phone that's the problem but, rather, its users, who don't hold the miracle device right.

A Community of Believers Detached from Reality

Firms everywhere get sued whenever their products don't do what they're supposed to. Apple enjoys legions of militant fans who point out to any Apple critics that they're just too dumb to use it right. Apple and its customers are today's L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology: a community of believers completely detached from reality. The lines that used to form in front of St. Peter's Cathedral in Rome can now be found outside the Apple Store.

What started with the iPhone 4 has now come to encompass all Apple products. They no longer run smoothly with each other -- and not at all if they are of different generations. Take, for example, iCal, the Mac calendar. The idea behind it is that up to four people can keep a shared calendar, that it will ideally be updated after each new entry is made, and that it syncs on your Apple computer, your Apple iPhone and your Apple iPad.

Thankfully, I have Stefan to help me. "No problem," he says. "We'll do that with the cloud." Stefan is a freelance computer technician, therapist and extortionist. Unfortunately, his first standard phrase ("That'll be fixed in no time!") is never true. That's because his second standard line is: "We have to reset it." All devices have to be in the same place at the same time. Only then can they all be reformatted so that they can all have the same new software versions. This is a serious logistical effort, and it promises the exact opposite of mobile communication: immobile silence.

And every time it's the same song and dance: a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of praying -- followed by the inevitable letdown. At a certain point, the entire calendar is messed up, but only on one computer. And then on all the iPhones. Now there are 12 copies of all the phone numbers in the address book, and the data volume makes each search take an eternity. Stefan is relieved. "Great," he says. "At least the phone numbers are still there." Next week, we'll have to start all over from scratch again.

Incidentally, Stefan doesn't use an iPad. "What for?" he says. Good question.

Digging Out the Nokia

Happiness lies in simplifying your life. The Volkswagen Golf will start being interesting again once everyone is driving Porsches. At least it runs. And it doesn't leave a lingering, hollow feeling of having been scammed because you have to run all the way across town to get your hands on a copy of the exotic program "Keynote," which doesn't install itself even after three calls to the help hotline because you first have to completely delete the test version from your computer and even that doesn't work.


And how are you supposed to get an installation CD into an iPad anyway, if it doesn't have either a drive or a USB port? Buy the app, dummy. But why? I just bought the same program on a CD. Doesn't matter. You have to buy the app.

It gradually becomes clear why Apple is the darling of the stock exchanges. What we have here is a game resembling a chain letter designed to go on forever, one that people have to keep forwarding if they want to feel like they're ahead. Apple is a drug, and everyone is hooked.

Almost everyone, that is. Yesterday, I dug out my old Nokia phone from a drawer. Finally I can make phone calls again! Is there life without Apple? I'm not sure, but I'm sure going to give it a try.

http://www.spiegel.de/international/business/0,1518,783345,00.html

[Jimmy]

I was really giving this guy the benefit of the doubt up until I read that one of his complaints about the iPad is "that it's not easy to make phone calls with it." Well, genius, it wouldn't be, since it's not a cell phone.  Oh sure you could install some crazy VOIP app and use it to make calls.  But that's really not what it's designed for.  I suppose I could use my MacBook Air to slice cheese, but it makes a poor substitute for a knife.

Apple isn't a cult.  It isn't a lifestyle.  They're a publicly traded company that makes technology products.  To me they're tools that increase my working productivity and improve the quality of my leisure time.

[ben says]

Apple isn't a cult.  It isn't a lifestyle.  They're a publicly traded company that makes technology products.  To me they're tools that increase my working productivity and improve the quality of my leisure time.

Agree. If Apple makes my life easier (and it does), then I will continue to use their products. I haven't been let down yet.

[adamh0903]

http://www.theonion.com/video/apple-introduces-revolutionary-new-laptop-with-no,14299/

Call me when I can easily integrate my Outlook tasks, like my blackberry can,  without a cumbersome 3rd party app that doesn't work half the time.

[Jimmy]

I don't know anything about Outlook tasks.  I use a system that's built around an application (and app) called Things.  Project management, tasks, and to-dos all in sync between my Macs and iOS devices.  It's never let me down.

[danem]

More than half of the members of the Bundestag, Germany's parliament, can now be seen gliding their fingers over iPad touch screens. Of course, it's not about looking something up or even working. No, this moment, this brief time in which the briefcase is opened and the iPad is taken out is only about showing the rest of the world: I'm with it. I'm connected. Using an iPad looks more impressive on TV than flipping through ring binders.

It's the same with pulse-monitoring watches, red wine and handbags: It's not about functions, uses or taste. No, it's about showing off. Indeed, the iPad is the must-have, cool-kid item of the 21st century.

Though you can't even use Flash on them, some people touch every Apple gadget with an almost religious awe. Having one frees you of any digital inferiority complexes. Indeed, you soon won't be able to attend a seminar, sit in on a meeting or take a train ride without seeing some hot-shot open up his iPad case.

I disagree with this guy on a lot of points. The first is the insinuation that the iPad is only good for showing off. I believe what you have with iPads is the ability for people to do computery things...without having to pull out an actual computer. Why do people touch Apple gadgets with religious awe? Maybe because they like them!

As someone whose iPod erased itself of half my songs on Monday morning, I can see the other points he's making as good, though.

[floridaforester]

I agree that what makes me very slow to adopt new technology is the constant "forcing down my throat" of everything Apple in the last few years.

My wife calls me a reverse snob in that anything that get a little too popular (ie- anything Apple) is less and less appealing to me the more I'm told I have to buy it.  I think what really turns me off about new technology is how much disgusting waste it all creates.  Any of these "new adopters" that jump on every new piece of technology should realize how much e-waste they create every time they upgrade to the latest and greatest and what kind of impact this has on our planet in a huge cumulative fashion.   Don't get me wrong, there are things that I must embrace eventually just to function in our consumer driven society, but I do so very reluctantly and with a very thorough analysis of just how much I need it.  Not to mention how freakin' expensive it all is!!

[peestandingup]

You must be easily amused, because this is pretty weak sauce dude. This guy's not even done any basic homework. "For one, it's not easy to make calls on" Really? That's probably because its not a cell phone & doesn't have a cell radio in it. "It requires you to sign up for an additional cell phone contract if you want to get Internet access while on the go." No it doesn't. The 3G version is prepay month to month. Always has been.

Look, I'm all for a good poke in the chops for Apple, but this is just some guy doing a half-assed rant.

You know what's worse than the actual douches he's describing who do want to show off & make sure everyone notices their Apple products? The dumb asses (like this writer) who assume all Apple customers are those types of people. Take it from someone who actually worked the Genius Bar in one of the highest volume Apple Stores in the US. Most Apple customers are just regular Joes who simply prefer their products just like they prefer anything else in their lives. And you wouldn't believe the amount of elderly people who use them even if I told you.

Wish it was juicier than that, but it is what it is.

[ben says]

Oh Microsoft users.....how old habits die hard.

Listen, I was born and raised on Microsoft Windows. I never knew anything else. I never had an interest in knowing anything else. But even since, about 8 years ago, I got a Mac for college, I will never go back to a Microsoft based PCs...

I didn't want to be an Apple kid, but hey, there's no denying it: it's a better machine! It's...just...better. I wish there was a more eloquent way to say it. Oh well.

[redglittercoffin]

I didn't want to be an Apple kid, but hey, there's no denying it: it's a better machine! It's...just...better. I wish there was a more eloquent way to say it. Oh well.

It isn't just the machine that works -- it's the company that backs that machine.  The attention to detail that Steve Jobs put back in Apple, along with the creativity of Johnny Ive is what put it on the map.  Consumer electronics, not as merely productivity machines, but also as something you actually enjoy looking at is what has been revolutionary about apple.  When every other company was making black plastic computers, Apple was going with white -- and then the solid aluminum unibody.  The original iMac was something people wouldn't want to hide in an office, but would have in a trendy home. 

Apple has also made real inroads with their customer service.  The AppleCare plan put the onus on Apple to actually back up their products or they replace them for free -- no hassles -- few questions.  Apple Geniuses aren't some socially awkward help desk guy like you would expect with your average company who talks to everyone condescendingly, but someone who is approachable, likeable, and truly helpful. 

With that said, Apple has seen their customer service numbers decline as they have grown and the challenge will be to continue what they have started. 

Apple makes some pretty bold claims, but they also have done a pretty spectacular job backing those claims up.  Their products do "just work." 

...but what do I know.  I'm just a fanboi I guess.  Started with a 2nd Gen iPod and still love my five year old macbook (just purchased it's third battery).

[Clem1029]

[ben says]

Highly disagree.

[KenFSU]

Reason #465,400 that I loathe Apple's stupidity:

I spend four hours in Starbucks last night working on a proposal on my iPad.

Upon leaving, I place my iPad back in its case, and put it in my messenger bag along with my Apple Bluetooth keyboard.

About an hour ago, I pulled out my iPad to finish up the proposal.

Naturally, when traveling with a keyboard, the keys are going to occasionally get pressed in the bag.

Despite my iPad being turned off, the bluetooth keyboard had somehow caused the iPad to be PERMANENTLY LOCKED for entering the passcode incorrectly too many times (while the iPad was off).

60 minutes of frantic phone calls to Apple reveal that every ounce of data (including my proposal, documents, photos, notes, etc.) on my iPad is IRRETRIEVABLY LOST, and the only way to even use the iPad again is to download fucking iTunes and do a complete restore of the iPad to factory settings.

Only Apple could pull something so stupid.

Absolute infuriating insanity.

[buckethead]

I hate apple, motorola, dell, lenovo, RIM, IBM, Microsoft, Google, Facebook..... and all of you.

I'm the ORIGINAL hater.

I patented it... so don't go trying to steal my h~Thunder

[spuwho]

A tool is a tool, whether it is an iHammer or just a Craftsman. The nail still has to go in.

10 months ago Apple told me to pound sand when my daughter's iPhone malfunctioned. Sprint replaced it on warranty.

6 months later it is malfunctioning again and voila, Apple replaced it gratis.

Only speculation can determine why it's OK now, but not then. But it may have something to do with a very healthy oversupply of CDMA 4S models prior to the 5 launch.