City to build Homeless Shelter in Hemming Plaza

[77danj7]

Wow...I should have know.  I was getting so mad as I continued to read this

[Captain Zissou]

Hilarious.  I am going to email it to a ton of people.  I freaked out at first, so I scrolled straight to the comments and spoiled the surprise.  Funny article though.

[hooplady]

Even though I thought you might do something like this today, you STILL got me for a couple of heart-stopping seconds!

[Abhishek]

i was laughing my ass off when I read the headline. This is better than Topeka!
"Using the specially designed planter outside Terry Noran's restaurant" cracked me up!

[Bativac]

Good one! My heart skipped a beat. You had me until you brought up Terry Noran.

[Burn to Shine]

I really hate April Fool's Day.

[tufsu1]

Ok...I found one even better...and this one almost looks official!

http://webapps.jhu.edu/jhuniverse/featured/naming_announcement_april01/

[newzgrrl]

Hilarious! Great work, MJ. I especially love the heartfelt reaction of Terry Noran. Why aren't all restaurateurs so understanding?

[heights unknown]

It's about time the City of Jacksonville FINALLY got it right. Now Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, St. Petersburg, and Orlando (Florida's major cities), and others, need to do the same.

God bless Jacksonville.

"HU"

[stjr]

You left out a few juicy details:

Under standard City building protocols, this homeless shelter will take up 7 blocks and cost north of $350 million! Maybe $400 million with the dome on top (a lighthouse with beacon was considered but that idea was already taken).  Richly paneled rooms with all the comforts that luxury can afford.  Will even have a special several hundred thousand dollar cross-walk to keep the homeless dry.  The highlight feature will be the green out front to set up tents for camping out and to accommodate smokers who wish to light up at the campfires.

Since this is a "shelter", Jax plans to have JTA pay for the project with 8 story, 2 block long, ads covering the sides of the building and rivaling those in Times Square.  When people picture the Jax skyline, the ads will be the dominant feature, finally giving Jax that "signature" landmark to be known 'round the world. 

No shelter is complete without expanding the $ky-high-way, forever in search of riders.  If people live there, we want the $ky-high-way going by their doorstep.  The homeless are not to be denied!

Another phase will spend $25 million on the fountain bath across the river.  To reach it, Jax will build a $400,000 dock on each side to accommodate boat transit just in case the homeless find the $ky-high-way too unclean for their taste.

Future homeless shelters are planned on the Shipyard's site and Cecil Field given that no one else can put these properties to productive use.  If the cruise ship port falls through, another will be added at Mayport.

All remaining neglected historic structures in town, having no value as anything but homeless hideouts, will be destroyed to insure the homeless only hang out in authorized shelters.

Lastly, Macy's Department Store, according to a little birdie, may open downtown, as well, to service the congregating homeless.

All in all, Jax has determined that bringing the homeless downtown will finally give it the residents long sought for and begin the resurgence of the urban core.

[urbanlibertarian]

Wow, stjr!  It sounded awful until you mentioned the "8 story, 2 block long, ads covering the sides of the building and rivaling those in Times Square".  Now I can't wait!

[buckethead]

Finally city government steps up to the plate!

Kudos, Mayor Peyton! Your legacy is soon to be in place!

[Ocklawaha]

STJR, With the magnitude of this one-of-a-kind project which seems to apex of social services, the Skyway (Jacksonville's Monorail), will not do. As we are soon to be the worlds premier homeless provisioning center, I plan to present a proposal for a Subway with several lines.  Once constructed this new system will have terminals in all of our major railroad yards, high traffic intersections, Scotties and other better liquor stores, the jail and courthouse complex. Certainly no project as bold as this will progress much beyond the study stage unless all of us rise up and make our cause known to all.

OCKLAWAHA

[Keith-N-Jax]

You guys have taken it to a new level.

[Debbie Thompson]

:-)  You had me until Dudley Dooright.